Yoga with the Fellowship
by blue alien
Summary: very random, don't ask where this idea came from. its is very funny so please read and review!
1. Insanity ensues

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or anything. That's Tolkien's job.  
  
One random day in Middle Earth, the Fellowship is walking around in Lothlorien.  
  
"Hey! I think I just saw a robin! Lemme check" said Merry. He proceeded to get out a bird book and flip through it. "Yup, it's a red-breasted robin."  
  
"That wasn't a robin, it was a cardinal" said Pippin.  
  
"Robin!"  
  
"Cardinal!"  
  
"Robin!"  
  
"Cardinal!"  
  
"Settle down, boys. The fat and ugly hobbit is obviously right" interrupted Gimli.  
  
At first, the two hobbits walked in silent thought (hobbits think very slowly). Minutes to hours...hours to days....days to years...years to decades....  
  
"HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" cried Merry and Pippin finally.  
  
"You know Merry, I think you were right. That bird IS a red-breasted robin" said Pippin.  
  
"No, you were right, it was a cardinal" replied Merry.  
  
"Robin!"  
  
"Cardinal!"  
  
"Robin!"  
  
"Cardinal!"  
  
"Oh shut up, the both of you. I thought we were going to go to the museum" said Legolas.  
  
"Then we need to rent a car" suggested Aragorn.  
  
"I know where there's a rental place" added Gandalf.  
  
Gandalf headed off towards the car rental place, abd everybody followed him.  
  
"Hey look, there's an eagle!" exclaimed Boromir suddenly.  
  
"No, that's a hawk" said Merry.  
  
"No Merry, Boromir's right, it is an eagle" said Pippin.  
  
"Hawk!"  
  
"Eagle!"  
  
"Hawk!"  
  
"Eagle!"  
  
Legolas pops a pair of earplugs into his ears. "Aaaaaaaah... good bye world of pain" he muttered peacefully.  
  
Gandalf turns off of the path they had been walking on, and everyone else follows him. They come out into a parking lot.  
  
"Here we are everybody. Now let's pick out a car" announced Gandalf.  
  
"What????????" asked Legolas, who was still wearing earplugs.  
  
Gimli, who couldn't resist the opportunity, reaches over and rips out Legolas' earplugs.  
  
"HEY!!!"  
  
"He said that we get to pick out the car now. Dumb elves......" trailed off Gimli.  
  
"Ooooooooooo! I wanna find a pretty car! I wanna find a pretty car!!!!!!" exclaimed Legolas.  
  
Legolas runs off into the vast parking lot, but he can still be heard yelling about finding a pretty car.  
  
"Well everybody, let's split up and pick out a good car that'll seat 9 people. Somehow I don't think we'll want to stick with Legolas' choice" suggested Gandalf wisely.  
  
They split off in groups:  
  
Group 1: Boromir, Gandalf.  
  
Group 2: Merry, Pippin, and Gimli.  
  
Group 3: Sam, Frodo, and Aragorn  
  
"Remember everyone, we need to find a car, and we need to find Legolas! We'll meet back right here by this lamppost in one hour" said Gandalf.  
  
The groups all split up in different directions.  
  
Group 2:  
  
"Ooooooh, how about this car?" suggested Pippin, pointing to a silver convertible.  
  
"No, we have to be able to fit the whole Fellowship into the car, and that only seats 2" said Gimli.  
  
"Fine. But whatever car we get, I want it to be shiny!" said Pippin.  
  
"I'm tired, let's get something to eat and drink" complained Merry.  
  
"Fine, I brought some lembas bread that we can eat" said Gimli.  
  
The three of them sat down in the shade provided by a huge RV, and munched on their lembas bread.  
  
Once they finished their meal, everyone got up and started walking again. They were soon hot and sweaty.........  
  
"I'm thirsty, let's get something to drink. Gimli, do you have anything to drink?" drawled Merry.  
  
"Yes, I carry my hip flask with me everywhere. But dwarves always drink beverages rich in Vitamin Z, it helps them grow long beards. You probably don't want to drink any......................" trailed off Gimli, as the hobbit grabbed the hip flask and gulped down huge sips.  
  
"Fool of a Took!" muttered Gimli. Stubble was already growing on the oblivious hobbit's chin..........  
  
Group 1:  
  
"I think our main concern is finding......"  
  
"The One Ring, taking it from the dumb, short hobbit-guy, and using to rule Gondor forever more! MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA- HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" interrupted Boromir gleefully.  
  
As soon as Boromir had stopped hyperventilating, they kept walking through the huge parking lot.  
  
"Actually, I was going to say Legolas"  
  
"Oh....................."  
  
"Lets just keep searching, shall we?" said Gandalf comfortingly.  
  
"Okay....................."  
  
Group 3:  
  
Aragorn, Sam, and Frodo wander aimlessly through the parking lot. They approach the main office.  
  
"Hey, do you think they have any Coke in there?" asked Frodo hopefully  
  
"Maybe.....I'll go get you one" said Aragorn. Aragorn walked into the main office, and through the windows you could see him getting a Coke from the soda machine.  
  
"Coke, Coke, Coke, Coke!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want Coke!" wailed Frodo  
  
"Not to worry, Mr. Frodo, Aragorn will be right out" said Sam.  
  
"COKE! COKE! COKE! I WANT COKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Frodo collapsed to the ground, and passed out. Banging sounds could be heard. Sam looked into the window, and sure enough, Aragorn was pounding mercilessly on the soda machine.  
  
Sam happily proceeded to perform CPR on Frodo, and Frodo got a good many more rescue breaths than he needed. Aragorn came out of the office, and the door slammed behind him. He walked out to see Sam and Frodo making out on the ground.  
  
"Uhhh, sorry to interrupt, but I couldn't get Frodo's Coke, the machine wasn't working. Well, the worker guy said that you had to put in something called a dollar........" said Aragorn uncertainly.  
  
Sam popped up for a breath, "Just giving Mr. Frodo CPR, he's about conscious again"  
  
"I see..........." said Aragorn.  
  
They soon heard a loud blowing sound. "The Horn of Gondor! Boromir needs our aid!" cried Aragorn, and the three of them set off running. They rounded a corner, and there was a huge van, painted neon green, with neon pink flowers painted on. Boromir and the others could be seen banging on the windows, crying for help. Legolas jumped lightly out of the van.  
  
"I found a pretty car! The rest of them don't like it, but I think it's pretty. Come on everybody, get in!"  
  
Legolas pushed Sam, Frodo and Aragorn into the van and off he drove.....  
  
"So where's the museum?" asked Legolas after driving around a random city for hours  
  
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING??????!!!!!" screamed Aragorn in frustration.  
  
"Nope! But driving sure is fun!"  
  
"I'll give directions, I know the way" said Boromir  
  
"So where do we go?"  
  
"To Gondor with the Ring of Power and then I will be the eternal ruler of the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"I thought he only had one episode like that a day" said Frodo  
  
"Apparently not" said Gandalf with a big sigh. *sigh*  
  
"Does anyone have any scissors? Pippin and I need some help.." said Merry  
  
"How the heck did that happen?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"They drank my drink that was rich in Vitamin Z, and now they look just like...hobbits with really long beards" said Gimli.  
  
"Well that's what they are, DUH"  
  
"oh...." said Gimli dumbly  
  
Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin's beards were growing and growing and growing.....they already touched the floor.  
  
Gandalf muttered something under his breath, shook his staff and suddenly there was a blinding light!  
  
*everyone blinks* *everyone opens eyes*  
  
Lo and behold, Merry and Pippin's beards were..........purple.  
  
"What did you do, Gandalf?" cried Pippin  
  
"It's this stupid van, its screwing up my magic" mumbled Gandalf  
  
"Oh, there's nothing wrong with the van, it must be YOU!" said Legolas with a dazzling smile.  
  
"Righhhhttttt"  
  
Suddenly everyone noticed that Boromir was whispering in Legolas' ear, and Legolas was nodding with more dazzling smiles.  
  
"What are you saying, Boromir?"  
  
"What's he saying Legolas?"  
  
"Ohhh, nothing" said Legolas (happily) and Boromir (evilly)  
  
Legolas turned sharply at a corner, into a parking lot. "Here we are, everyone!" he said  
  
Boromir looked disappointed, everyone else looked worried.  
  
"Where are we?" asked Sam  
  
"This isn't the Museum! @#$%&*, I wanted a Coke and they have Cokes at the Museum!" screamed Frodo  
  
"This is the yoga temple. I thought you all needed to relax so we're going to do yoga" said Legolas  
  
to be continued.................................  
  
don't ya wonder what's gonna happen next? I don't but I'm the authoress so HA! Anyways I hope ya like it, please please please review, I beg you! 


	2. Insanity continues

Disclaimer: I own none of it, NONE of it!!!!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The building was very...plain. white walls, a normal amount of windows, but you couldn't see in thanks to heavy curtains. Relatively normal cars in the parking lot, etc.  
  
"Do you think they have Coke here?" asked Frodo eagerly  
  
"I hope its not in one of those machines, because they are really complicated. I've never seen one of these dollars before, they must be pretty hard to come by" said Aragorn.  
  
"I will find you a Coke, Master Frodo!" cried Sam gleefully, as he pushed open the door of the van.  
  
"Sam, this is a very strange and dangerous place, you must be careful. I suggest you quest not for Coke but for one of these dollars, and then Aragorn will be able to get into the machine" said Frodo  
  
A short match of blowing kisses ensued, cut short by Boromir slamming the door in disgust. Sam could be seen out the window trotting off some sort of path that was very straight, grey and hard. *concrete sidewalks*  
  
"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go take a yoga lesson!" said Legolas enthusiastically.  
  
"I'm waiting for Gimli to finish" grumbled Merry. Gimli was braiding the hobbit's beard just like his own. The dwarf had already finished with Pippin's.  
  
"Done!" said the dwarf  
  
"Good, let's get this over with" mumbled Aragorn.  
  
"Positive attitudes, try to remember that everybody" said Legolas as he herded everybody out of the hippie van and over to the front entrance.  
  
A bell tinkled loudly when Legolas pulled the door open, and a woman with shocking red hair bustled up. She had big peace symbol hoop earrings, purple-blue-green tie die pants and orange-red-yellow tie die shirt. As Gimli later put it, "A match made in hell"  
  
"Hey, man. You guys musta felt the vibes from the street or something, man. I told Ricky this place sent out some awesome vibes, but he's not the type to listen to his woman. Heh heh"  
  
"Right, my woman doesn't listen either....err....I mean I listen too....or I don't listen either....or....." said Aragorn confusedly, trying to be friendly  
  
"Dude man, don't hurt yourself" said the woman, "Well why don't you dudes come on in, my next session is just starting. You're so gonna totally dig the vibes in this place"  
  
As she led them into the main session room, the Fellowship gasped. It was huge (but the ceiling wasn't all that high), and the paint job looked like someone had come in with big buckets and splattered it everywhere.  
  
"Yup, Ricky and I did this ourselves. Pull up a mat, guys"  
  
She gestured towards a mountainous pile of brightly colored mats. Frodo gasped. "Its like a mini-replica of Mount Doom"  
  
"But tie-dyed" said Gandalf  
  
"Any chance they would have a Coke here?" asked Frodo  
  
"I doubt it. But maybe a dollar"  
  
"But that's what Sam is questing for!"  
  
"So. I'm just glad to have that bloody lunatic off of our backs. I don't know how you put up with him for all that time. No wonder you thought Gollum's ideas sounded reasonable" said Gandalf  
  
Frodo looked hurt, and withdrew into a corner.  
  
Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin had come up with a new game. They called it Siamese Twins. The game: tying the ends of their beards together and thusly being stuck together.  
  
"Hey man, all I can say is it's a world for everybody. Twins really rock out if you ask me. But once we start the session, ya'll might have trouble with the hidden dragon pose" said the lady (whose name was Lacey)  
  
"What about the crouching tiger pose?" said Pippin  
  
"MUAHA-HA-HAHAHAHA!" cried Merry. The two ran of laughing like...well......hobbits....insane hobbits.  
  
Boromir had quickly become bored with discussing Mount Doom (Aragorn and Gandalf were comparing the mat pile to the real thing), so he was spilling his not-so-secret plan to Lacey.  
  
"You see, all I have to do is get the One Ring from that short hobbit-guy, take it back to Gondor, and then RULE THE WORLD! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Hey man, that sounds like a great plan, but ahh.......where's Gondor?"  
  
"You've never been? Neither has the hobbit-guy. It's my country, back in Middle Earth. You probably haven't heard of it. But promise me you won't tell anybody, not any of the others, about my secret plan. Because if anyone finds out then my plan will be ruined" said Boromir  
  
"Uhhh.....sure, man, whatever you say" said Lacey  
  
"Gandalf says it would undo all the work he has put into defeating Sauron, but Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn said they weren't worried, because it'll never work anyways. Isn't that mean if them?"  
  
"Hey, I thought nobody knew about this 'secret' plan. So how can Legolas, Gimli and the rest of them be talking about it?" asked Lacey  
  
"Oh yeah.....well.......i did tell some people. Let's see...only Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Elrond, Denethor, Faramir, Eowyn, Galadriel, Haldir, Gollum and maybe a few others. Gollum said it was a good plan and he would be my Vice Ruler of the World. Hey wait, my plan isn't a secret anymore.............damn!"  
  
Lacey left a very confused-looking Boromir. "Okay, dudes, pull up a mat if you haven't already, and we'll start this session" she said.  
  
After everyone had pulled up a mat and sat down, and Merry and Pippin had negotiated how to sit down as Siamese Twins, Lacey was ready to begin.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
She dimmed the lights down to just a few glowing oil lamps, and pulled all of the curtains shut. The lamps gave off a lot of heat, and it soon felt like a sauna.  
  
"Since none of you know the chants, I'll skip straight to the stretches. First, you need to sit down with your legs out in front of you and touch your toes"  
  
Gimli, Merry, Pippin and Gandalf groaned loudly, but everyone else reached their toes with ease.  
  
Lacey stood behind Gandalf and put her hands on his back, pressing down. An earsplitting crack could be heard, and when everyone opened their eyes Lacey was back at her mat, and Gandalf was touching his toes.  
  
"Ahhhhhh, it makes the age just melt away"  
  
"Like butter? Mmmmmmmmm, I'm hungry....."  
  
"Hey Pippin, you're drooling on my leg! Yuck!" cried Merry  
  
"Dudes, yoga is supposed to be quiet and relaxing. Chill out" said Lacey  
  
There was silence as everyone went through a series of stretches. Gimli seemed hopeless, and Merry and Pippin keep tripping over their beard.  
  
"The first pose is the Dog at a Fire Hydrant pose. Please assume my position"  
  
Lacey somehow was positioned like a dog, on all fours. One back leg was raised in the act of...well, you know. Legolas had copied Lacey in seconds, with Aragorn and Boromir not far behind. Gimli did okay, Gandalf had some trouble with his (white) robe. Naturally, Merry and Pippin became entangled in each others' beards. This pretty much set the pace for the entire session.  
  
Next came the Fluttering Butterfly pose, which was only mastered completely by Legolas. Burning Moon and Sleeping Monkey poses were relatively uneventful.  
  
But at Basking Hippo pose, Merry and Pippin both fell to the ground, unconscious.  
  
"Hmmm.....i think they might be claustrophobic" diagnosed Boromir.  
  
"Yeah, that would make a lot of sense.....if this were a small enclosed space with a lot of people, smart one!" said Aragorn sarcastically.  
  
"Maybe I was burning a little too much incense for their delicate hobbit noses" commented Lacey  
  
"Yeah, really"  
  
Lacey had at least 10 incense sticks burning in the room, each one was a different smell. Gimli hit the floor next.  
  
"Dude, they're insane. Oh well, at least we won't have to listen to them constantly groaning and bumping into each other. And Gimli just wasn't made for yoga" said Lacey. She ran around the room and put out about 1/2 of the incense sticks.  
  
The survivors resumed their yoga.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Did ya like it? I hope you did! It was shorter than the last one, but I felt it was getting boring. I was running out of humor. Next chapter coming soon!  
  
PLEASE REVIEW! 


End file.
